[Belated] Weekend Update.

Hello, world. It has been far too long since we've offered you an update, so we're coming to you tonight with a summary of key events from the past week.

On Thursday, which is, of course, part of the weekend in college, the two of us, along with Ellen, got gussied up and went out. We had some excellent G-rated fun, but other people thought it was a lot more scandalous. We put on our dancing shoes and brought out the moves we normally save only for the most special of occasions; however, it seems that many of our fellow party-goers interpreted our excellent moves as drunken spasms. On Friday morning, Ellen was asked by a classmate how drunk the three of us were. To which she replied, "Not at all." My mother, at least, was proud when I told her this story.

Friday night was spent at a local restaurant with Ellen and Jack. Ellen was kind enough to inform the waitress that it was M's birthday. I will tell you this about M's identity- October 8 is not her date of birth. However, she did get a cheesy restaurant-style birthday song and free dessert out of it. So that counts for something.

In other news, C is now swearing off men for the time being. She, like M, has determined through not one but TWO case studies that men, in general, have no brains (excluding Lee). She has this new theory, that the cells/fleshy material men have "below the belt" is actually taken from their brain. Therefore, they do not have the capacity to think or act rationally. See, what happened is that not once, but TWICE, boys have expressed interest in C and then, much later and after some commitment, have explained/been found out that they are actually in love with their ex-girlfriend. Not C. Actually, C doesn't matter at all. She's simply a warm version of a blow up doll. It's fine. No one is bitter. But, regardless, two is enough, so TO THE NUNNERY (Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5)--[C totally made that up, but I hope those of you dorky enough get the reference].

The boys next door do all of the following:

• Refuse to help girls carry large amounts of stuff back to their dorm.
• Shower longer than M (who shaved her legs AND her armpits in an impressively long cleanse).
• Listen to their alarms at 11 PM  and 8 AM at ridiculously high volumes. For enjoyment, we presume.

Last night, C's dad arrived with a giant chair, a huge bag of clothes, 4 plates of cookies, and a large bag of DVDs. The two of us attempted to carry this load back to our dorm, but man oh man, we were riding the struggle bus. Actually, a bus would have been nice. Anyhow, a cop on a bicycle asked us if we were carrying a body. One of the boys next door saw us but did not acknowledge us. Several other strapping young men stared and laughed. Finally, a petite girl who looked ready for a party helped us out for the last eighth of the journey with the giant chair. It didn't really help that much, but it was something. Thanks, girl.

Finally, some...

TFTW (Texts from the Weekend)

Frank to Jack: "Hey I think I left a banana on your desk- sorry. Do what you want with it."

603: "I just want to cuddle. I don't even want sex. I love smiling with boys."

603: "I want to go to a psychic. Or a masseuse. Someone who touches me."

210: "If a guy doesn't have the balls to ask a girl out, he doesn't have enough penis to have sex with her and make her feel good."

M to Ellen and C: "Watching small children look in the windows of the sex shop..."

M to Paul and C:"Spotted: Girl in the caf eating a a giant bowl of ice cream with a ridiculous amount of sprinkles. By herself. Oh wait, that's me."

Crazily, slightly frustratedly yours,

C. & M.